Nancy Pelosi, Mitch McConnell, and Don Lemon walk into a bar. Nancy says “Gin and tonic.” Mitch says “Black Russian.” Don storms out, shouting “Mitch is a racist!”
AOC says “I seek unity.” Steve Bannon says “Let’s fight for it to the death.” Keith Olbermann reports “Steve Bannon threatens to kill AOC!”
John Dean, Andrew McCabe, and Jeff Zucker celebrate the de-criminalization of marijuana late into the evening. After more than a few hits, Jeff giggles “Wouldn’t it be a hoot for CNN to feature the two of you as voices of conscience?”
Stephen Jackson and DeSean Jackson ask Louis Farrakhan for advice about racial harmony. Louis can’t stop laughing.
The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Nation host a conference on journalistic integrity. Just as it begins, the publishers skip town with the ticket sales.
Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and Lenny Bruce write a comedic sequel to Brave New World. It ends with 25,000 uniformed military troops (armed with assault rifles) and a metal fence surrounding the Capitol.
In an abundance of caution, Devin Nunes and Jim Jordan arrange for Nancy Pelosi to receive the screenplay of Steve Martin’s The Jerk instead of the State of the Union Address.
Impressed with The Three Faces of Eve, Mitt Romney takes on the roles of the Democrat Governor of Massachusetts, the Republican nominee for President, and the only Republican Senator to vote for convicting the Republican President during the President’s first impeachment trial. Joanne Woodward says “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”
Adam Schiff goes to an ophthalmologist and excitedly says “Doctor, my eyes are bulging out of my head, my heart is racing!” The doctor examines Adam thoroughly, test after test of every kind and nature, and says “What heart?”
Joe Biden replaces Sherlock Holmes, Columbo, and Philip Marlowe (the Justice Department team investigating Hunter Biden) with Inspector Clouseau.
Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, and Archimedes examine the federal budget with a fine tooth comb, and conclude “Holy shit!”
Edward Gibbon and Herodotus begin a first draft of The Rise and Fall of the United States of America. May we all say “Not so fast!”